kilrhadi

I’m sorry Lord!

I’m sorry Mom!

I’m sorry Guys!

I’m so sorry!

I don’t know what to say maybe my tears can.

"Prodigal"

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

Curse this morning sun
Drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I’ve sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you’re a prince
The next day you’re a slave

Rising Force populary know as RF. It’s an mmorpg game composing of three race who battles for supremacy. But the battle really lies inside each race. As most RPG games it consumes a lot of time to be strong to be worthy of being a citizen of the Union, Empire, or the holly Alliance. Each race has it’s unique characteristics. I’m not gonna run this blogs enumerating their characteristic so i’ll jump to my next verse.

She plays flyff before i met her, i introduce her to a RTS (real time strategy game) Dota a scenario game of Warcraft 3 the Frozen Throne. Which most gamers who play DOTA thinks that it’s a stand alone game but no it’s just a scenario game of Warcraft 3 the Frozen Throne. Then I introduce her to The Game. She got so interested at first then disappointment comes that’s all part of the game. So I gave her tips on how to play it and encourage her to keep going on even when the game has experience a role back and she lose 5 lvls ouch pisses me off too.. One of the cafe where she use to go to school has a private server of RF. It was RF return of ares. We have sleepless nights we laugh we got pissed off got hungry coz most of our time spent is infront of the computer. (Forget food we need to farm and level hehe) We’ll those are the RoA days.

Now, we are back! This time it’s on RF Novus! When the RoA got wipe out most of the players re roll to RF Novus…

to be continue…. (The Game has just begun)

These goes for RF Novus.. I am dedicating this Song to those who are best of friends now a mortal enemy. I really like the server because there’s a lot of action,drama,socialization,fun,hardship,friendship, etc. We’ll my twin just went to the other race but i don’t blame him it’s ok for him to be there but it hurts me to know that he’s not in the guild anymore T.T Thanks for the moments shared my twin mace. We’ll meet again but we’ll be considered as enemy on the battle field. T_T

"Remember Me"

I stand here face to face
With someone that I used to know
He used to look at me and laugh
But now he claims
That he’s known me for so very long
But I remember being no one
I wanted to be just like you
So perfect, so untouchable
Now you want me to be with you
Someone who used to have it all
Do you remember now
You acted like you never noticed me
Forget it
Cause the gone has come around
And you’re not allowed to be a part of me
Did you know me?
Or were you too preoccupied
With playing king in your small kingdom
And now the real world
Has stripped you of your royalty
And from your kingdom you’re evicted
I wanted to be just like you
So perfect, so untouchable
Now you want me to be with you
Someone who used to have it all
Do you remember now
You acted like you never noticed me
Forget it
Cause the gone has come around
You’re not allowed to be a part of me
Part of me
Part of me
Part of me
You’re never going to be a part of me
You’re never going to be a part of me
You’re never going to be a part of me
You’re never going to be a part of me
You’re never going to be a part of me
You’re never going to be a part of me
Do you remember now
You acted like you never noticed me
Forget it
Cause the gone has come around
You’re not allowed to be a part of me
Part of me
Part of me
Part of me

I am a proud member of the Guild RisingFur from Rf Novus. I love my guildmates they are cool they are my friends…. I wanted to say more about this but my heart is heavy upon seeing the picture of of my girl and that guy.. Damn..

Is led by ReDStaR a (ShieldMiller) she is in too much pressure in life but still she manage to lead the guild properly, She is one hell of a tanker but don’t piss her off she’ll lure you an assasin builder or Hum baba.RisingFur is a cool guild with cool guildies they are fun to be with especially my twin rouge he’s so kind hopefully I can help more and do more for the guild. Along with the people in the guild rises some issues too regard guildmates which often happens in most of the guild.

I only wanna know what is the guild’s mission and guild’s Vision. Hopefully the guild will continue to improve.

Btw, I am a 47 commando/armsman and I say RisingFur will rise and my mace will be with them.

Go go go furries!! Rise!

Pictures capture moments that will last forever. And I just saw the picture of my girl with the guy that she has a good moment with with the akbay and the one that he was embracing her. And the rest.

Good for them they have those moments captured thru pictures and we? we only have the moment once and it’s only in the cafe and the rest it’s in the game.

Crap i am such a loser…

Time to wake my senses.

Another song? Hahaha. Yes it’s another song. It’s from dishwalla. I like them actually. They play good Music… Quality music! This one is actually quite old but it’s still nice to listen. I don’t need to post the video link coz i know you guys know this song.

So why am I posting this. There’s only one reason and it’s relationship. And it happens that my girlfriend’s nick name is angel. Angel, she’s so fine,cool,fun to be with. Aaahhh she’s just great….I remember the old days when she was still at zamboanga. Those are the times where she’s so free and she does what she wants she’s herself, she is just her.There are bad sides in her when I first met her but it’s ok on me tho not on my family… I told my family don’t judge her yet you don’t even know her much. And so when they did know her they want me to take good care of her hahaha. She’s so welcome in the family when they already know her that much.

Everything went slowly blurry in our relationship. Especially when she lost her brother.. Aaarrgg!! Damn it! Because of this i have to step back a bit to give her time to recover. I couldn’t imagine myself the feelings i have knowing that my girl is in vain, that my girl is crying day and night. I just can’t help! This gives me pain inside knowing that you can’t do a thing to help but cheer the one’s you love. Man! that ain’t enough! I wasn’t even there to rub her back or tap her shoulder or to hug her during those days of great lost in her life. Then things gets more blurry when we decided to cool off for 2 weeks to give each other’s time for ourselves since I am in deep sh3t too. When I finally got my job back got a good amount of income and some sideline. I heard that her mom’s moving out from their house and gonna go and stay on their grand parents and her mom wants us to break up. WhaaaaaT? This is my question to myself. Why? But still we remain to be together in secrets, until now. And if her mom read my blog i’m pretty sure she’ll know the truth. And if ever her mom knows the truth it’s ok. The decision is still her’s to make. Even tho, her mom wants it that way it’s still gonna be her final decision.

After the long blurry days we did what we can to restore our relationship. I remember we started out going out watch movies food tripping.. Then we went out to a bar drunk ourselves. It feels good to have her beside me again. Then suddenly one night during our another get together moment. THe night started great we laughed, we drunk, we have good story telling… All of the sudden she left the cam to go and use the Comfort room. I scan the pictures and was shock to see that a man is hugging so passionately in this certain picture! OMG! are they? fak it! damn! those are my reaction. So what i did is just to leave the pic open and the cam at the table so she could see that I saw that picture. And so she explained… that she wanted her mother to know that we are over.. that this is a cover up. I wasn’t really convinced but I trust her words so it slowly faded away but not that sudden. Because i heard her talking about this guy a foreign guy from the game with a great look a very attractive voice, I got so insecure. I felt that she’s getting cold on our relationship. That my love is not enough for her and I am not enough for her. I thought of different things… Damn… She already has a bf and to like another guy and let your bf knows that she likes this guy and they go on private conversation just the two of them it just sucks! It just kills me as a man. My ego is wrecked! my manhood stepped. Then again she explained that it was a crush thing… Oh… crap… Ain’t she thinking of what will I feel? But what can I do she said she’s telling the truth and there’s nothing to be jealous about it. I got over it somehow but not really even until now. I trust her so I told her not to waste it for if it is wasted there won’t be any second thought..

Again, then again things going a bit better for both of us but it didn’t last long. For her grandfather just rush in to the ICU for medical threatment T_T. WTH! Mami ko… why does things has to happen!? You’re family haven’t recovered yet to the lost of your brother now your grandfather is in ICU… And us, we are just recovering and we can’t see each other again for long again because you have to be with your family…. Oh well the hell about my need of your presence and attention as long as your family will recover from all of this. Good thing a 72 year old sculptor has a strong heart… Which made him recover fast. Tho, until now he’s still in his private room for full recovery but it’s already a relief. Thank God for His Mercy and protection on her GrandFather.

Then, just yesterday she tried an audition for PDA…. I know and I believe her.I strongly stand strong that my girl sings well and she has a very quality voice. I convince and encourage her to continue on trying for the audition. but when the day came and her preparations are set for the audition she was just ask to sing a verse of the song she prepared. That’s it? just the first? her song isn’t that much exciting on the first first it has to be sang entirely.. The voicing and the blending of the voice cannot really be notice or appreciated much just on one single verse. OMG! no wonder many PDA who was able to join last time don’t really deserve to be there. Because of the way they doing the audition.

My angel has been to a lot of depressing moments and our relationship is affected. I see much anger in her, she ain’t sweet anymore, she’s easily angered and she always wanna pick a fight on me or quarrel me a lot time even in small ways or mistake i do or none at all…. Man it just makes me feel that she’s saying hey you you’re another pain in the ass get off my way shuu shuu…go away shuu shuu.

It hurts me knowing that this things are happening to my girl.Tho, I wanna comfort her give her most of my time do take her our for a food trip or a movie it’s just not gonna be possible because she still has to be with her family.

I know most of you who’ll read this may think that i am a martyr but i don’t care. I wanna be with her I want to love her. This is the only thing I can do.After all these things she’s been through right now. All i can offer i my love.

I know she loves me but this things that is happening in her life right now is killing her slowly and it affects her love for me she don’t even notice that she’s already hurting me in some ways. It’s ok I do understand. I’ll just burst out anyways if i can’t take it anymore. I love her i hope she wouldn’t take it for granted.

Here’s the lyrics of the song: Angels or Devils by Dishwalla

this is the last time
that I’m ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I’m ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

I don’t what’s wrong with me… why i always put myself and trouble. Tho, i manage to make it out. I really wonder what’s wrong with me. WHy i put myself in the cliff of danger. Do I really enjoy or find it exciting/changellenge when I am in trouble and coz if nothing challenging that is happening in my life i feel boring and that life is meaningless.

The only meaning that keeps me alive and keeps me moving are my family, my girl and my friends (especially edwin and amher) i can always count on them each time im in trouble. Oh I don’t know how i could repay them but I know I could. The question is when? Will take me another stupid thing to do and be in trouble again to learn the same mistake all over again. I don’t how many times I have put myself in a situation that I can’t do anything but seek help. Thank God for his Grace and Mercy for giving the people I cherish. As He said I will not leave nor forsake you. My friends are true so as my family and my girl. They have not left me nor forsake me.Until when can they help me I believe as much as they can. So I have to avoid getting myself in to trouble again coz i feel so much shame begging always for their help..

To you guys Thank you and Thank God.

I love you All my Family, my Girl and My Friends.

You guys are the best…

Special Thanks To Edwin Fernando and Amher Khan Sabdulla. I owe you a lot my friends. And to my family thank you for understanding your spoiled son. To my Girl Thank you for holding on your reckless guy. Who has no sense of direction.

Mwa*

Government warning Cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health hahaha how ironic. They are aware that it is dangerous to a person’s health yet they won’t do anything but warn.

I just went out smoke a cigar coz i have a heavy heart. I don’t really know why and what’s eating me. Maybe because i feel like the truth is unrevealed to me. It is kept secret as it is done in secrets. I have this old saying in from my barkada group of friends that "What you hear, What you see leave it here" or the most famous one What they don’t know won’t hurt. But what if you know a bit or it’s a blurry information of what is going on and you wanted to know the truth but withholded because of a personal reason which you don’t know either. But you deserve to know the truth because you are not just anybody you are someone who’s doing what you could to make that person smile/laugh or happy.

Whatever happened i wish i know i wish i’ll be told the truth the perfect details without cover ups. And i wish i’ll be convince.

I don’t wanna hurt someone special to me with my false feelings so i need facts.

If the truth will be known a final decision will be made. Final means that’s gonna be it.

Pourin’ out so it won’t overflow.

Ever wonder why i post mostly songs on my blogs… it is the most intimate way of expressing your thoughts and feelings… Songs are written out of the blue the writter writes because he/she feels a strong emotion inside him/her…

This song is true we all felt the pain of love… But without it… we just won’t survive man! com`on! the reason why we are here on earth is because our parents made love to each other and we are their the product of that intimate moment… So we can’t deny that we need love no matter what.

I hope you get me guys…

Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast to truth
(I don’t want to lose what I had as a boy.)
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat.
(As common as a cold day in LA.)
Sometimes when I’m alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts…
But sometimes it’s a good hurt
And it feels like I’m alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
’cause without love I won’t survive.

I’m fettered and abused,
I stand naked and accused
(Should I surface this one man submarine?)
I only want the truth
So tonight we drink to youth!
(I’ll never lose what I had as a boy.)
Sometimes when I’m alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts…
But sometimes it’s a good hurt
And it feels like I’m alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
’cause without love I won’t survive.

Love is a wonderful feeling but behind it lies the truth.  Pain is part of love if you are not strong you’ll blame every lover you have in your life including yourself and family.  Because of the pain you felt it gives you a vengeful heart a heart that is unstable and full of deceit.  You won’t even notice that you are already fooling yourself.  You can’t tell who’s real who’s fake. Opposite sex will flock you like you’re their daily meal. Tell you nice things, things that you want to hear, words that you want to listen, words that pleases you but they are mere flattering that makes you more confuse. I can say this because I met a lot of lovers.  Some of them demands lots of my time, some wants security, some wants a friend but ignore your feelings, some forget your happy moments and remember your bad moments others only recognize your mistakes not your achievements, a few just want to have some fun (bitches not my lost) others they just simply want to see me succeed but not doing a thing or lend a helping hand they just watch as their love slowly withers away, some value 1 mistake more than what you have done, some wants to step you just because someone did the same to them, others are scared their love and promises (forgotten utter words of promises) are just a wishful-thinking.  They are too many i can’t remember some of them. 

You might say what a shame for  a man. Fk U! What makes a real man is not their muscles or status it’s their lives. It’s the tears they shed to someone they love. Acceptance is so hard for a man, cold feet!

In business your investment is in the form of money or properties.  In love your investments is your feelings and your sacrifices and your words.  If your a true businessman or entrepeneur you want daily income or results of your consumed time and efforts you become addicted to your job because you want your company to expand.  no businessman/woman wants their company to stay stagnant or not growing.  They acknowledge difficulties but ignore it because they have their mission and vision and it is natural for a business to face downfall but tru this downfall they do everything to rise again.  In love we also suffer inflation and deflation.  What matters is how deep is your foundation.

Did you just said i love you to someone and can’t prove them or is your ILOVEYOU has a time limit or condition? if they fail your expectation you’ll say oh to hell with you or yes na lang. how odd!

Call me whatever you want! Mack at me! And tell me how pathetic i am! You can spit on me if you want! I just want to love truly. And if I said i love you before or today I did prove it to you, but you didn’t took it seriously because you want security. 

Pangga, gaga ka! lol manyak ka! ang kati na ba nde mo na tiis naghanap ka ng pangsapal? Hahay long distance relationship..hehehe… Musta ka na jackie?

Bae, no comment… Except take care… i admit it was my fault. 

My present girl she is so confuse she doesn’t even know her true potential.  I try to pour them out from her but she begun to ignore me now.

I promise that she will be my last then she’ll be!

To all the girls i love before sensya na naive pa ako nung time na yun.

Now I want to ask you people who read this when you said ILOVEYOU to someone else what is just for fun? for just feeling right?

If you can remember i told you that if ever I love someone i give my all and if I love again I give my all again… I don’t give just a portion that’s only mean conditional and i love unconditionally. 

Now I  can say I have grown and now a real man… without fear or shame… I can shout and tell the world that i love truly with or w/o your recognition… ga, bae, mi…. You can ignore me or even this but you cant ignore the fact that I am a big impact in your life.

Coz of the pain i experience… I learn to love truly!

Are you ready to accept pains? or scared? If you are ready and not scared then keep on loving that person.  if not go sell yourself to someone new.  Remember guys we are not toys to just let go that easily.  We are HUMANS!